Ok, so my plan was nearly perfect. Unfortunately, when two year old demon-children are concerned, things go often awry. I maintain that no one could have predicted such autistic behavior from a being so small, but I am getting ahead of myself...
A sudden emergence into the social atmosphere of what I still refer to as MY domain, would have alerted the victims there of my plan. And as I was only going to get one shot at besting the demon-child, I decided that it was prudent to socialize with them. So I brought myself out of hiding and played nicely, acting the most polite I could in order to lull the humans and demon-child into a false sense of security. As I am charming, it was not long before I was being dragged around the domain, lingering upon the various bits of furniture and flooring the demon-child saw fit to deposit me. I will add at this time that I have shrewdly noticed that demon-children care little where they place their playthings when they are done with them, be they vampire bat or building blocks. Nor do they seem to have any aesthetic sense or priority for hospitality. To the demon-child in particular, leaving me face-down on cold stone flooring seems more to be an act of neglect than sadism. But I digress again...
The large human, whose penchant for oily foods has grown him dull and corpulent, has taken a liking to the demon-child and in his attempt to get her to like him in return he has resorted to hailing her with crudely performed voices, pitched and textured so as to sound "funny". All I had to do was wait until the demon-child carried me near the clumsy fat one, wiggle myself out of her grasp and pull upon his feet or shoes, causing the clod to fall over upon the demon-child. Simplicity, it is said, lends much to the success of murder.
However simple my plan was, however, I was not prepared for the demon-child to become so enraptured with the fat human's knee - so much so in fact that she decided to ram her head into it repeatedly. Even the humans seemed confused at this behavior. But to the demon-child, this was a kind of infectious fun that had her giggling loudly and repeating the exercise. The only way the demon-child thought this activity could entertain her more was for there to be something in-between her head and the bloated knee. This was where things began to go horribly wrong.
She hoisted me up, slammed me upon the great and jiggly surface of the fat one's corpus and began to pummel her head into my gullet. Repeatedly. While vampire bats of my genus do not feel physical pain in the same sense as you ugly bags of mostly water do, we do feel the much sharper edge of emotional trauma. It makes us sensitive souls. In my case, I have always been weak to states of embarrassment. And the pain of it shook my very soul.
I do not remember how the three of us were dislodged from each other. I am only grateful that the episode has passed. I sometimes wonder why the Deities hate me so much such that they have exiled me with this squealing, cranky horror. I can only hope that her desire to microwave my stuffing eventually abates.
Or until I hatch a more cunning plan. Hmmmm...oxytocin gas, maybe?
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friedrick's journal
Dear Santa...
devious