friedrick

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 23:54:01 GMT

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In November on a flight to Pakistan, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In April I bought porn for senormysterioso (10 points). Last Monday I ruled Duluth, Minnesota as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In March motomuffin and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In July I turned palegreyminion in for littering (3 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-716 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich!

Sincerely,
friedrick

I certainly have done much more than this but you see I am a very secretive bat.

-Friedrick

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 19:24:52 GMT

Ok, so my plan was nearly perfect. Unfortunately, when two year old demon-children are concerned, things go often awry. I maintain that no one could have predicted such autistic behavior from a being so small, but I am getting ahead of myself...

A sudden emergence into the social atmosphere of what I still refer to as MY domain, would have alerted the victims there of my plan. And as I was only going to get one shot at besting the demon-child, I decided that it was prudent to socialize with them. So I brought myself out of hiding and played nicely, acting the most polite I could in order to lull the humans and demon-child into a false sense of security. As I am charming, it was not long before I was being dragged around the domain, lingering upon the various bits of furniture and flooring the demon-child saw fit to deposit me. I will add at this time that I have shrewdly noticed that demon-children care little where they place their playthings when they are done with them, be they vampire bat or building blocks. Nor do they seem to have any aesthetic sense or priority for hospitality. To the demon-child in particular, leaving me face-down on cold stone flooring seems more to be an act of neglect than sadism. But I digress again...

The large human, whose penchant for oily foods has grown him dull and corpulent, has taken a liking to the demon-child and in his attempt to get her to like him in return he has resorted to hailing her with crudely performed voices, pitched and textured so as to sound "funny". All I had to do was wait until the demon-child carried me near the clumsy fat one, wiggle myself out of her grasp and pull upon his feet or shoes, causing the clod to fall over upon the demon-child. Simplicity, it is said, lends much to the success of murder.

However simple my plan was, however, I was not prepared for the demon-child to become so enraptured with the fat human's knee - so much so in fact that she decided to ram her head into it repeatedly. Even the humans seemed confused at this behavior. But to the demon-child, this was a kind of infectious fun that had her giggling loudly and repeating the exercise. The only way the demon-child thought this activity could entertain her more was for there to be something in-between her head and the bloated knee. This was where things began to go horribly wrong.

She hoisted me up, slammed me upon the great and jiggly surface of the fat one's corpus and began to pummel her head into my gullet. Repeatedly. While vampire bats of my genus do not feel physical pain in the same sense as you ugly bags of mostly water do, we do feel the much sharper edge of emotional trauma. It makes us sensitive souls. In my case, I have always been weak to states of embarrassment. And the pain of it shook my very soul.

I do not remember how the three of us were dislodged from each other. I am only grateful that the episode has passed. I sometimes wonder why the Deities hate me so much such that they have exiled me with this squealing, cranky horror. I can only hope that her desire to microwave my stuffing eventually abates.

Or until I hatch a more cunning plan. Hmmmm...oxytocin gas, maybe?

Tue, 17 May 2005 17:14:30 GMT

I had almost given up hope, diary, that I would once again rule the purple house once called my domain. After having been usurped by that loud and demanding small imp of a human, I feared my grasp on the corners of my world had faltered irrevocably. After all, it smiles and giggles, exhibiting many of the charms for which vampire bats have become well known, as well as ruling the larger humans with a strange talent of persistence and stubbornness.

So, diary, you may well be asking what has changed?

The answer to that is the introduction of a new larger human. And this one is very large, easily twice the size of a normal human. Dim-witted as it is, this larger human appears very clumsy. It should take only a modicum of patience until the right time reveals itself, to trip or otherwise nudge him into falling upon the smaller human. He will fall and crush her body, if not her spirit entirely.

My old minions best play their hands well with me. For when I am back in control, I shall punish all those who did nothing to help me regain my power. I shall invite them in, gently as a lamb, and then their unfaithful carcasses shall be run through with pikes and put up for display upon the green outside.

It shall be glorious.

IF I were a God over ivejournal

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 17:28:56 GMT

If I were God over LiveJournal... by shinikami
Username
Jesus would be	emma_ming
The four archangels would be	motomuffin
and	timothy_tim
and	stillking
and	brainiac69
The Blessed Virgin would be	senormysterioso
Satan would be	drdt
The antichrist would be	sla
And YOU would be	Immortal

Quiz created with MemeGen!

friedrick

*IF* I were a God over ivejournal

IF I were a God over ivejournal